“We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR” : My Response

Yes I know no one asked for my opinion but im going to give it anyway.

~beckons the people~ Gather round while I share my opinion on this.


Via Curly Nikki

Autumn writes:

I don’t even know what to call this. But it happened – FOR REAL.


I’m married – 5+ years – to a wonderful husband and father. I’m pregnant – 5 months now – with my second child and I’m an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been natural – almost 1 year – and, although it took some time for me to feel this way, I LOVE my curls.

The Drama:

My husband works from home and has watched our 2-yr old daughter from birth (SN: She has curls too and he washes and styles her hair very well during the week). About a month ago, he sent me a text at work saying we needed to talk when I got home. So, I come from work on my lunch break like I normally do. We decided to leave the house to run some errands. In the car, I asked him what he wanted to talk about. Then he said the six words that literally threw me into an immediate emotional breakdown: “WE NEED TO SPLIT UP.” Huh? What? Where is this coming from? Instant flood of tears and hyperventilating.

He never wanted me to go natural. He doesn’t like “nappy” hair. He likes straight hair. He felt that I had totally ignored his feelings by going natural in the first place, but the fact that I’ve stayed natural, despite his disdain, is even worse. It doesn’t matter that everyone else around us likes my hair. He is my husband and his opinion should matter most. When he married me I had long, straight hair. He’s not attracted to me anymore because of my hair, and therefore he felt that the best solution was to split up, instead of being disgusted with the sight of me daily. But if I straighten my hair (it doesn’t have to be a relaxer), then everything will be ok and go back to normal. Blah, blah, blah. SN: Just the week before, his close friend’s wife chemically relaxed her hair after a year of being natural because she couldn’t stand the negative feedback from her husband.

Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words. But I’m pregnant, so that’s what it sounded like. I emailed my boss from my phone and said I couldn’t come back to work for personal reasons. After running our errands, I dropped him and our daughter back off at the house and drove off to clear my mind. I won’t go into all the thoughts that led me to my next actions, but I will tell you what happened.

I LOVE THIS MAN. I CANNOT IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT THIS MAN. I WILL NOT LOSE MY HUSBAND OVER HAIR. But I felt this was a deeper issue than hair, and I also felt that some information was missing from his little rant. So I went back home. I grabbed a pen and paper and went straight to our bedroom. I got in the bed under the covers and started writing. Right after I jotted down my last thought, he came in to check on me. He gave me a big hug, and waited for me to speak. Here’s what I wrote/said, and his answers.

-I have more going for me than the hair on my head. YES YOU DO.

-I’m beautiful, intelligent, stylish, in shape, a good mother, I bring home bacon just like you, and I cook it too. YES I AGREE.

-I’m pregnant with your child, how dare you bring this to me right now. I FELT LIKE YOU WERE IGNORING HOW I FELT ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

-My hair is beautiful and *I* LOVE it, no matter what anyone else says. I KNOW.

-Our daughter’s hair is beautiful, are you going to request that she straighten her hair? NO, HER HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL.

-Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN.

-Are you willing to give up our love, sex, family, home, future plans… all because of my hair?! NO, NEVER.

My response was: Then I cannot, WILL NOT get a chemical relaxer. So what is your REAL problem?

His response was: Well, it’s just that all the “different” styles you have been doing have been “nappy” styles. Can you please do some straight styles, and do them more often?

Of course! Why didn’t you say that in the first place boy?!

Ever since then, we’ve been back in love like usual. He touches my “nappy” hair and tells me I’m beautiful. And I still haven’t done a straight style yet, although I do plan to keep my promise – to prevent another childish rant.


Turns out, he just did a really horrible job of expressing his feelings. And I did a really horrible job of acknowledging his feelings. We will not lose our love, our marriage, our life together… OVER HAIR.

First of all let me start of by saying that the idea of a husband leaving his PREGNANT WIFE because she is natural is absolutely ridiculous! It has to be much deeper than hair. Now while a man may express his disappointment, concerns, and discontent for your hair, if he is in love with you, he is in love  with YOU and not different parts of you.

Second, I must applaud this woman for the way she approached this situation seeing as though i would have immediately flown off the handle….. or maybe not because i have been in a similar situation before but he didn’t threaten to leave me. Arguments came about over my hair but it was never “I’m leaving you because you got that nappy s**t on your head. Eventually, once it started to grow, he came around and really started to like some of the styles that i was wearing.

It is one thing not to have a clear and concise understanding as to why your wife/gf/whatever she is to you would all of a sudden just cut off their hair, but its a wwwhooollle nother ball game when you decide to leave an ENTIRE family behind because you don’t like her hair.. that much ..


Come on man. There are clearly some deeper issues that you don’t want to admit and you are using hair as a crutch.

She is still your wife, mother of your child, mother to your unborn child and you have the nerve to say that and actually TELL HER you no longer find her attractive!? ..#killyoself

I must say that i am very impressed that she stood up for herself because BELIEVE me he will get over it. It’s just certain things that men don’t understand . Probably never will understand fully but they can be supportive to you in your decisions and trust your judgement.

I know some of you say “Oh well that NI88*A woulda been missing teeth!” “Oh HELL NAW LEAVE THAT NINJA!” But it is her husband and they have a family together.

Hats off to her for standing her ground and finding an easier solution besides flying off the handle about it.

I still think this is way deeper than hair though…

Ladies, opinions?

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  1. taylor mcmillion says:

    I personally think this is so rediculous i cant even express how upset i got when i read this. the real issue may be that he cant accept and doesnt want to accept the natural beauty of black women. he seems to be caught up with the mainstream permed/straight looks as if her straightening her hair is going to make that much of a difference in how he feels about her beauty. if he truly felt she was beautiful, it wouldnt matter what her hair looked like, he would love it anyway.

  2. WHOA! I can understand her situation. I have really learned something from this women bc I would have went the hell off! I do believe that he did not handle this situation appropriately. It is probably bc he felt disrespected and can we all admit that when we feel disrespected it is difficult to respect or care about someone else, even if it is someone we love. He threatened her in hopes that she would cave in bc of the love she has for him. I am so happy that she stood up for herself.

    I have been natural for about 2 yrs. I have had some set backs so my hair is not as long as it could be. When we first started dating my hair was relaxed and he told me that he like a women to be natural: little make-up… if any, no braid extensions/weaves, and heels do not do it for him. This sounds like a dream man right? No….. I got braids and weaves and he loved it. I cut my relaxed hair in a pixie cut (he doesnt like short hair) and he liked it. Now that I am natural he hates it….. doesnt even give me compliments when I dress up. This is not a loving relationship and Im not too sure how long it will last.

  3. Heck naw…I would’ve flew off the fn handle too.
    I know it’s a lot of blk people that don’t like our African traits…I avoid them…I don’t wanna date/befriend/marry them.

    Some men think every breath you take and your every move should be to make them happy…heaven forbid you do anything just b/c you like it.

  4. I personally laughed when I read this “We need to separate” LMAO The FIRST thing that came to my mind after reading it, like a lot of other’s responses, was that it is obviously deeper than her hair. I cannot personally relate to this story and I could be wrong–; maybe he just doesn’t like her hair. Either way it was a very interesting read and thanks for sharing.

  5. I saw this on LHCF. And…I just can’t. I do genuinely value my SO’s opinion of my hair, and I can even understand her hubby expressing his displeasure. But to lead with “we need to split up” is absolutely ridiculous. And…I just can’t discuss it beyond that, its just too ridiculous. But I agree with the majority of ladies in that I believe its deeper than hair and he’s unhappy about other things.

  6. Tanisha B says:

    Yes, I agree with you. Yes it was a good read…but clearly it’s deeper than her hair! At first it seemed as if she was going to go there..but in the end she sort of fooled herself and let took his answer for “family-sake”…but yeah, it’s something more going on.

  7. I would have driven him to the store and led him to the Kotex aisle because obviously he was PMSing. Poor baby he just wanted to be heard. Seriously, I would straighten my hair every now and then for him, it can be done safely without ruining your curl pattern you just have to be careful. I know a woman who took her husband with her and they picked out a couple of straight wigs together for her to occasionally wear. They had been married over 15 years and it was a bit of a shock for him when she went natural. Now, two years natural, she never wears the wigs anymore he is happy with her natural hair.

  8. Leo the Yardie Chick says:

    Now that I’ve slept on it, it seems to me that he’s been watching his wife make this journey and this process of her own free will, and for her primary benefit, maybe even growing into a new and more confident person – and he’s feeling left out.

    Hence his reaction to lash out like a child. <_< I agree with every one on the point that this is WAY deeper than hair. The hair was just the easiest and most obvious thing to pitch a fit about.

  9. Sharin P. says:

    That was so sad…with me and my situation, my guy I’m with started twisting his locks because my natural hair inspired him.PS I’m almost on my 2 year nappiversary too BSL Rocks! Anyway sad to say my love for him is dwindling not because of his hair of course…but I haven’t left because in my country Belize, men(these dogs) hardly want natural haired women unless its curly and long down their backs. Isn’t that sad?!?!

  10. Hi, thanks for sharing this post. First of all, I think the woman handled herself in a wonderfully mature and respectful way that honored herself, her husband and their marriage. Secondly, the deeper issues the husband might have had could be some of the following: he may have been jealous of the possibly greater confidence his wife showed (not that she didn’t already show lots of confidence aleady but going natural we tend to try to develop a kind of extra confident swagger to encourage ourselves, know what I mean?), maybe she spend more time on her hair than with him, maybe he was jealous of the complements and new attendtion she was getting. All of these issues are attatched with the hair and he may have said we wanted to split because he felt that THOSE things were really unattractive about her hair but he was unable to verbalize it that way. Even so blaming the hair was a bad move because it is part of her! It’s a bad idea for men to crtitisize something that is a part of his wife or girlfriend. Even worse still if she loves that part and proud of it. Also, I think the husband is incredibily superficial and selfish and a lot of men are, they will marry a women because they look a certain way and if they change that the men act all funny .

  11. If he is acting like this about hair, what happens with the “in sickness and health” part of the marriage kicks in?

    Also, did it ever occur to him that since she is pregnant, his wife is probably particularly vulnerable and insecure about her body at this time (with the weight gain, etc.)? The last thing that she needs is for him to make her feel worse about her looks.

    She is extremely mature and very patient.

  12. MsReneeLove says:

    I would not have even agreed to doing more “straight styles”. How dare he say that to his pregnant wife? How about the fact that getting relaxers and such during a pregnancy may effect your child? And how is he going to say his daughter has pretty hair but his wife has naps? I just hope their daughter never has to be apart of this argument. Thankfully I’m natural and single because the man that marries me will love ALL of me no matter my changes. And that’s what we all need.

  13. Okay so, holy shit. That’s what I have to say to this story. The guy sounds like a complete douchebag. True he did sort of go back on his initially crazy statement, but I still think he’s a complete jerk. Is he going to expect HER to leave HIM once he goes bald, as all men eventually do? True it is important for couples to be attracted to each other, but to me that’s completely secondary. If I lost half my FACE my husband wouldn’t even think of leaving me, because he loves me no matter what I look like. Furthermore he’s attracted to my personality, so he’d probably still even be sexually attracted to me. (Especially if my big ass was still intact, hah.)

    Secondly, I’m a white girl and I just gotta say… a black girl’s natural hair being “nappy” — the idea would never even occur to me. I would never even conceive of that word. I LOVE a natural hair look on a black girl. When I see one with straightened hair I usually don’t like it and don’t know why they do it (I also don’t like straightened and bleached hair on my fellow white girls, ugh fake blondes!), but then when I see one with curls or just a straight up afro, it is just totally awesome looking and I am completely jealous.

    So yeah, not only was this guy an ass but he was also completely wrong because his wife undoubtedly looked awesome. Those relaxer chemicals probably cause cancer too, or at the very least are doing harm to your hair and scalp like the chemicals from hair dye and perms. Seems a lot of work and risk to get something that doesn’t look as good as what you girls have naturally without even trying. 😉

    1. MekaSharee says:

      Very true! awesome comment

  14. I can’t believe this. I find it odd when Black people (men) cannot even accept our natural, Black beauty. The media has our minds so warped that we cannot see Black women’s hair as beautiful. Like everyone else said, there is more to what her husband is saying. Of course a coward would point out something about her hair being “nappy.” A real man should tell her what is really going on. I understand that she has a child and one on the way, but she’s the same person that he married 5+ years ago. This lady needs to check her email and find out what’s really going on. I would hate to have a man like that. If he’s not feeling my hair, he’s not feeling me. I would give him the deuces and let it go. I’m just saying there is more than what’s going on and she’s lost in the sauce.

  15. As a man with natural hair (locked for 2 1/2 years now), I had a similair experience with my parents. Obviously, they didn’t want to divorce their son, lol, but the talk about being too extreme, not being able to get a decent job, etc. kept coming up. We need to stop letting certain people dictate to us how to wear OUR hair. Natural or nappy does NOT mean unpresentable, wild, ignorant, or unkept. I personally despise permed hair, not because of the look, but because of the long-term/permannent damage it does to your hair and scalp. BUT, I would never try and order my lady to get her hair done a certain way…it’s HER HEAD. Unless I thought she looked absolutely horrible, I would love her just the same regardless.

  16. MekaSharee says:

    Honestly, if my man did that even if we made up i would never stop doubting our whole relationship. I don’t think i would even wanted to be with him after that. He is basically denying her of the God-given hair she was born with. That’s like denying her existence, denying who she really is, denying her culture, her heritage and basically being a apart of the issue this world has today (not excepting people for who they are). In my eyes he is not a good man. He keeps calling her hair nappy instead of naturally beautiful, which is what it really is. I can’t even fathom being with someone as close minded and ignorant as that and to even have the thought of leaving me for my hair. What if she had cancer or had to cut it off, would he just leave? It should make you question the foundation of the relationship and who he really is. My man tells me every time that i get frustrated with my “nappy” hair that it’s beautiful, its who i am, and i shouldn’t give in to chemicals. He cares about the well being of my hair more than how it looks. That’s a real man.

  17. Get rid of the moron..”We need to split up b/c of your hair”…She shouldve said, “OK bye” and let him figure THAT out instead of lying in bed and writing up a list. His BF’s wife straightened HER hair cuz her hubby had issues with it…um hmm…he’s probably kickin it with HER..

  18. Even though people will always have their opinions about hair (that’s NOT their own), there’s NO way a hair style should be a reason why a man wants to split up with his wife. “Shallow” is an understatement in this case. If there wasn’t a deeper factor that’s bothering him, I think he married her for the wrong reason……ijs

  19. My initial reaction was that this is definitely about more than hair, but then I thought a little further and tied it to socialization. For instance, just as many of us natural hair wearers (females) have been exposed to value judgments based on the appearance of our hair males have also been exposed to these same judgments. So although I believe it is about more than hair I think it’s a broader issue than just personal relationship problems.

  20. Men are so superficial and YES it is more to it than just her hair..which says alot about this person. In stead of him enbracing her for being a natural woman he puts her down. G-d made black women with kiny hair as with all other parts of her. Why are we always put fown for everything? our hair, our body type, our lips our nose? I wonder if she decided one day to dye hair platinum blond and put blue contacts in would he complain then?lol

  21. If this isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is. A man that wants to jump to divorce over hair…….right -____-

  22. I know you blogged to make a point about natural hair moreso than your marriage, but,surely it is deeper than the hair if he wants to use that as an excuse to split up with you. Is he taking that 2yr old to a hairdresser? What kind of hair does she have? (at two, I hope it’s natural too!) He’ll find another reason soon enough if he wants to leave. At any rate, it is not safe to use chemicals in the hair when you are pregnant. What is he going to do when after another year, the baby’s hair is not so naturally straight and fine anymore? Standby for another excuse. I say get another bank account and start stacking! Prepare for a rainy day honey! Storm clouds are brewing.

  23. The fact he even started the conversation to threaten to break up the family because he doesn’t like “nappy” styles would have had him in a place he didn’t want to be with me. I would have told him to leave.

    That was abusive. It was a diio what i want or else situation not a i am having a hard time expressing myself situation. That was a bright red warning sign.

  24. OK…she’s bella and her hair is gorg…but like the author stated…there are other issues besides the hair…sounds like that husband is Eurocentric brainwashed…which equates simply to self hate and a unawareness of sense of self…which can be a scary thing for some folks to experience (he’s gotta work through that because its HIS issues not hers)…he felt like his WHOLE world was imploded because she chose to be her natural born self…he is WACK and his communication SUCKS…but hey he’s not my hubby…and she was brilliant in how she broke it down via pen & paper…I do that with my husband at times when I feel we just talk past one another…sounds like she’s the adult in the relationship and he need to grow a pair and UP.

  25. Thank God my husband loves my natural hair and has even encouraged me to loc it! No man should be that selfish to control what you do with your hair as long as you are keeping it clean and looking good….whatever looking good may mean for you. If you like big hair, rock it. If you like your hair loc’d, rock it! However YOU see fit for YOUR HAIR to be, do it! Love and blessings to my natural community!

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