I have struggled with myself for quite sometime on how far or how deep I would be willing to let you all into my personal life. I guess to a certain extent, I have let yall in but not too much. That’s why it took me so long to write this post. I was not sure if I wanted to share this with the world but then I realize, part of my personality appeal is my transparency and this could also help someone.
Naturally, believe it or not, I am a very private and secretive person. I will only let someone know so much about me which I supposed would be a good thing when it’s not taken to the extreme (which I take it to). I have announced personal things on social media but again, it was nothing TOO personal. With that being said, I announced earlier this year that I was engaged and getting married. This is no longer the case..
Did he cheat on me? No
Did I cheat on him? No
Did the breakup end badly? No
Do we still talk? Occasionally but not to often. I try to remove myself from situations completely
Do I still care for this man? Yes, I do, deeply. No I do not hate him.
So why the breakup?
It was a mutual agreement between both parties that we would split. See you have to understand something….
I have been with the same man since I was 17 years old. I am 25 now. During that time, we split for maybe a year tops and got back together again. During that year apart from him, I learned something about myself. I hadn’t learned how to be without him.
When your so used to having a man in your life, always there, always by your side since such a young age, how could you possibly even have the chance to find yourself? We as women depend on men far too often and don’t find our own identities and when it all hits the fan, we BUCKLE!
I would very much like to think of myself as a strong woman. I have had tough times and even tougher times and STILL having tough times. But when it comes to matters of the heart, when it comes to him, I’ve found myself unable to stand my ground in times past because I was living for him.
Every decision i made, everything I choose not to do, everything I DID do, it was FOR HIM.
The 1st long term breakup was all me. That was my doing, my idea, and I initiated it. But in that time, when we were apart, i lost it.
I didn’t know how to function. Hysterically crying all the time, making stupid descisions, doing stupid crap, being wreckless, and wishing, just wishing, that he would be there for me but he wasn’t. We weren’t together,he wasn’t there and I couldn’t deal. Heartbreak is a hell of a thing to deal with. It’s something that cannot be turned away at all. You do things to try to curve the pain but they are only temporary.
By this time, I’m 23, first time single since I was 16, and I don’t know how to function without him. I knew I had to do something about this or lord only knows where i would end up in that state.
Now mind you, I have been in church all of my life but never actually listened until i found a need for it.
Hey, I’m just being honest.
I was sitting in the pues crying, yes crying over the break up still ( it had been about 6 months by then) when I heard my pastor say one day
“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.” – Psalms 147:3 .
I stopped and was like … what??????? HOW!? I had to find this out because my heart was so hurt and so crushed! I just couldn’t do it anymore, I wanted the pain gone. So I did some more digging and I ran across Isaiah 53. This whole passage was about a man who suffered greatly for those who believed on him and believed that he is real. It says
Isaiah 53: 4. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 5. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
Stop stop stop hold the presses. This is a real life, i live in a real world, with real problems, with REAL PAIN,and i need a REAL solution. If you have ever been heartbroken, you will understand so much that the only pain equivalent to it would be being skinned alive and even that would be a walk in the park compared to heart break.
But there goes that word “healed” again.
I had to know this man, i HAD to get rid of this pain I felt. As i dug some more and ACTUALLY started to pay attention in service, over the pulpit came a realization that i had never thought about! LIGHT BULBS WENT OFF LEFT AND RIGHT!
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
If your not familiar with this particular verse, this was when Eve was being cursed after she transgressed in the garden. I REPEAT, SHE WAS BEING CURSED!
Curse- a cause of great harm or misfortune : torment
Now if you don’t believe in it, that’s fine, this post isn’t for you. But if you do read the book at all and believe in Jesus, you will realize somethings once i am done so read on.
in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
Desire – to long or hope for : exhibit or feel desire for: to express a wish for : request; to feel the loss of
FIREWORKS WENT OFF IN MY HEAD!
Rule – to exert control, direction, or influence on; to exercise control over especially by curbing or restraining; to be first in importance or prominence : predominate
After further elaboration was shared on Genesis 3:16, I went home and meditated on what was preached about a woman’s desire being toward her husband and how THIS is part of the CURSE she was given.
Genesis 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
So let’s break this down. Eve transgressed because she disobeyed the commandment of God. Prior to that, she was created for Adam and was told to be a helpmeet for him.
Genesis 2:20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. 21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
Listen, Adam didn’t command Eve to be a helpmeet, that was GOD’S command to her! But in this curse, there is a new element being brought in, she no longer hopes to do (desire) the will of God, but to that of her husband! What’s the worse part? It didn’t say that her husband was going to MAKE her do it, he said this would be her desire. It would be her desire that here husband be first in importance or prominence (rule) in her life and no longer God! She is now putting her husband before even God! And is happy when she is doing it because that’s what she wants to do!
Let me tell you something, say what you want, but this was one of the biggest realizations of my life! It hurt like crazy when i realized where i was mentally. That part of destroying myself and feeling the loss of this man was because of this desire I had for him to be first in importance or prominence (rule) in me life despite everything. I was LIVING THIS, THIS WAS WHERE I WAS! The bad part? This was Eve’s curse.
Remember what the word “curse” means? “A cause of great harm or misfortune : torment”
Torment -to afflict with great bodily or mental suffering; pain:to worry or annoy excessively; a state of great bodily or mental suffering; agony; misery; a source of much trouble, worry, or annoyance.
I was definitely being tormented mentally from this broken heart! It’s not some dark deep secret shrouded in mystery. This is what it is! So what is a girl to do?
That scripture in Isaiah 53 rang truer than ever so I started looking for answers on how to get out of this. After looking into the life of Jesus through studying, reading books, investigating, defining words and research, I found out that Isaiah 53’s suffering servant was talking about Jesus of Nazareth! If you ever read it, Isaiah never gave a name on who he was talking about. If this man suffered for everyone who believes on him and believed that he went through those things for their peace, then I needed to find out who this man is so he can tell me how to get out of this!
The book had taken me this far and shown me this much, it couldn’t have done this without and not given me an answer!
Then i read what Jesus says in Matthew 11:28 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
Still questions. HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THIS?
Then it happened. That day i remembered like it was yesterday. Like it’s happening right now. The day my life changed. All of the partying, the night life, the blocking it out of my head to gain some mental sanity didn’t do anything for me except give temporary relief which was done by the morning, didn’t mean anything to me anymore.
I read what Jesus said in Matthew 6:25-33. Now understand who he was talking to. He was teaching his disciples, people who desired to follow him and obey his words and he was teaching them what to do. This was the space I was/am in and that’s why this became so relate able. :
Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
See righteousness is not simple “living right”. King David tells us, as a man who walked with God, what it is
Psalm 119:172 “Let my tongue sing of thy word; For all thy commandments are righteousness.”
Jesus of Nazareth showed me something that no one else had through my pastor who showed this to me to begin with. By taking no thought for my life, I stopped worrying about if we were going to get back together. I stopped looking to the Lord to JUST bring him back to me and started wanting more than that. I started wanting to find me and my identity outside of him. I became ok with being alone.
I started to understand that taking thought for my own life was driving me INSANE. It had me up all hours of the night crying, partying, trying to find comfort in holding conversations with another man who could do nothing for me but put me in a worst state because all i did the whole time was wish and compare him to my ex. That was MY desire.
Now did taking no thought mean become and idiot and wonder life aimlessly? No not at all! As my pastor explained it, it means “take no thought for your life” because Jesus already shows us HOW to live. He already thought about it so you don’t have to! That righteousness he was talking about? That’s commandments. Those are the thoughts.
Jesus of Nazareth also taught something else in this book
Matthew 7: 24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: 25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. 26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: 27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.
See the thing is, i have attained all of this knowledge, all of this teaching but he is saying if i don’t do them, it won’t work for me! It won’t do anything for me AT ALL! Simply hearing and understanding is not enough, i have to do this!
Yall, I cannot tell you after months and months and months of crying and pain, how he really healed my broken heart. He gave me the knowledge and understanding to get over it.
He showed me where i was (living for this man because he was my desire).
How to get out of it (take no thought for my life and seek his commandments).
That action was necessary ( hearing the commandments and doing them) and it wasn’t just “Oh God’s gonna fix it” as I sit back and do nothing.
The irony in all of this? I brought this pain on myself by being so consumed in a man and not taking the time to find out who Gabrielle was. That time separated gave me a real different perspective on life. I have grown so much.
Fast forward a year after all of these great realizations and teachings. We ended up back together per his initiation but I wasn’t/am not the same woman or shall i say girl. I was maturing into a different woman.
See when we got back together, I was no longer just his girl. I had a name. I had a purpose, I discovered(still discovering more and more) what I wanted and who I wanted to be so when split after the engagement announcement, I didn’t die again. I didn’t wither up. I understood , because of the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, that I was more than just his girlfriend/ fiance. I have my own identity. I know full well that I want to follow Jesus and his teachings and strive to do them because when he wasn’t there all those nights I cried in my bed, all the days i felt like life had ended, the only person who’s words brought me comfort and brought me out of it, was Jesus of Nazareth.. that’s it. Nobody else
Did it still hurt? Yes but it wasn’t the same hurt. It was like “Ok , I wish it wasn’t like this but it is, ill deal accordingly and move on”
Again, my engagement break off was a mutual agreement. We still see each other often, chat occasionally and you never know what the future holds. I would have never thought we would have broke up, got back together, got engaged, and then broke up again.
Lol. So I can’t say if we will or won’t get back together.
But what I can say is this..
This is who I am.
A disciple of Jesus because it became REAL TO ME. Those words, his words, in the book came off of that page and spoke to me and gave me a solution to all my pain. I owe him because I would have never found myself and stopped living under the torment of my desire for this man to be first in my life. He gave me peace and rest.
I know I joke a lot on here, I know I can be blunt and straight forward on a lot of my post and I never professed to be perfect. I’m learning to be different and the purpose of this post is hopefully, some young woman who feels right now what I felt will understand that another man or jumping in another relationship is not the answer. That you have to find yourself first. Stop and take time to get to know you.
This is REAL TO ME because I know what Jesus’ teachings did for my life. If you don’t believe in God or his Son or even the Bible that’s fine but hopefully after I have shared this with you, you understand why I believe in it and while encourage and bring you to believe as wel. This is why my engagement is not the end of the world for me. I have someone to comfort me through knowledge and understanding.
This has made me a better woman who can stand on her feet when she goes through serious embarrassment such as, announcing an engagement to the ENTIRE WORLD and then it coming to an abrupt end.
LOL! See.. i laughed about it….
Oh! And Be sure to “Like” my church’s Facebook page! We post inspirational and uplifting post as well as what we learn!
I have a facebook group for young women to discuss walking with Christ! If you would like to be added, just join this group and request an invite. I would love to have anyone who is interested! We all need support!
Stay lovely my ladies….